let,s cheer ourselves up

nativexpat

Registered
Do you speak English?
> -Yes!
> -Name?
> -Abdul al-Rhazib.
> -Sex?
> -Three to five times a week.
> -No, no...I mean male or female?
> -Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.
> -Holy cow!
> -Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
> -But isn't that hostile?
> -Horse style, doggy style, any style!
> -Oh dear!
> -No, no! Deer run too fast...
 

Liam3494

Registered
OK - I'm allowed to tell these self-depreciation jokes :)..........

Paddy takes his goldfish to the vet.
"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

Paddy sees a letter among the mail on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
He spends an hour figuring out how he can pick it up!.

Paddy shouting frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"


Paddy was driving home, drunk as lord, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.
Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says "for god sake Paddy, it's your air freshener swinging about!"

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.

Paddy's in jail. A guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"What the feck you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't feckin breathe".
 

French jurist

Registered
Liam3494 said:
Paddy was driving home, drunk as lord, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.
Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says "for god sake Paddy, it's your air freshener swinging about!"

Quite funny one.
Speaking of drunk guys, look at this Serbian taking the breathanalyser test
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OajSdkF9iH4
 

French jurist

Registered
A misogynistic one :

A guy wins the big prize at the lottery, comes back running to his house, and thrilled tells about it to his wife while asking her to pack her things.
She asks, shall I take my winter or summer clothes ?
He answers, you take both, you pack your things and you leave.
 

French jurist

Registered
One taken from a french cartoon for adults, very cynical :

- It's the story of a very depressed guy. He just lost his job, his kids reject him, his wife left him, even his dog bites him when he comes home.
- He wants to end his life so he goes onto a small bridge in Paris, and gets ready to throw himself into the water.
- Suddenly comes an homeless guy, old, dirty, smelly who arrives saying "puf puf puf I am a fairy ! You can make three wishes !"
- The suicidal guy at first reacts negatively, tells him to leave but the bumb insists so much that finally the depressed man starts telling his first wish.
- The vagabond stops him right there and tells him "yes, but first you need to comply to one thing I will ask", "what thing ?" asks the other, "well, first I need to **censored** you right here on the bridge".
- The depressed guy gets angry and tells him that if he wants to end his life, he still has some pride but finally accepts, having nothing to lose.
- Then while the homeless is **censored** the guy, he asks him "and what is your age ?", "54 years old" answers the other, then the bumb to ask him "And at 54 you still believe in fairies ?"
 

Saturnine

Registered
A few Communist jokes I grew up with (and seem to remember) ;)


What’s colder than cold water? Hot water.

When leaving for Moscow, a Romanian astronaut writes a note to his mother: “I’m off to the Moon. Be back in a week”. When he returns, he finds a note from his mother: “I’m going to buy cheese. Don’t know when I’ll be back”.

A woman goes into a shop and finds empty shelves. She says to the shopkeeper "I see you haven't got any cheese". The shopkeeper says "No, we're the shop without meat, the shop without cheese is across the road".

Communism, Socialism and Capitalism have set a meeting. Socialism is late, but arrives in the end, all crumpled and worn out, and apologizes: “Terribly sorry, but I’ve had to line up to buy some meat”.
Capitalism asks: “What do you mean, LINE UP?”
Communism asks: “What do you mean, MEAT?”

Two guys talking in early March 1984. One says: “On the 1st of May, they want absolutely everybody to parade on the streets for Labor Day”. The other replies: “Nope, they just want to know how many of us have survived the last winter”.

The 7 wonders of Communism:
1. Everybody had a job.
2. Although everybody had a job, nobody was working.
3. Although nobody was working, the Party’s objectives were met at least 100%.
4. Although objectives were met at least 100%, you couldn’t buy a thing.
5. Although you couldn’t buy a thing, we had everything.
6. Although we had everything, everyone was stealing.
7. Although everyone was stealing, nothing was ever missing.

Two old men sitting on a bench in a park. “Lousy weather”, says one of them. “Oh, you’re right, screw the bloody Communists”, answers the other.

Ceausescu and his people get on a train and head towards Communism. After a while, they run out of electricity and switch to a steam locomotive. Then they run of out coal and begin to burn the wooden crossbeams around them until none are left. And then they burn every tree in every forest in the country. The train stops for lack of fuel, so they begin to burn their own clothes until they’re left naked in the middle of nowhere. At that point, someone from the crowd asks coyly: “Are we yet very far from Communism, comrade?” And the answer comes: “No, comrade, we’re there alright”.

TASS (Telegraph Agency of the Soviet Union) reports: “Two agricultural aircrafts were dropping pesticides over a kolkhoz close to the border with China. Two Chinese tanks opened fire without warning. The aircrafts retaliated and the Chinese tanks were destroyed”.
New China News Agency reports: “Two tractors were engaged in springtime sowing activities in an area close to the border with the Soviet Union. Two Soviet planes opened fire on them out of the blue. The tractors retaliated and the planes were wiped off the sky”.
Romanian News Agency reports: An impassioned symposium dedicated to agricultural progress was held recently at the fraternal border between China and the Soviet Union.
 
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