Family Etiquette

[cbonanni]

1)Yes. Sometimes. You can say NO !
2)No.
3)No.

 

[Girino]

do yourself a favor and start drinking heavily now!!!!

I am trying to, at least because I don't know enough Spanish to go see a shrink.
Why sink in sorrow/anger when you can sink in wine?

Back on topic.
1) Thanks, I will expect these show ups, then. We work from home, so I hope they will understand that us being home doesn't mean we always have free time.
2) Same as in Italy, but if you visit your host frequently, this can be skipped. Especially if you are not invited over for a formal thing (dinner) or on a special occasion (wedding, birth, engagement, graduation, etc.).
3) So, we have jerks! Congrats to me. Anyway, I married the guy, not his family, and he is as pissed off as me but he won't say a thing to them because "it doesn't matter to them, they are not going to change, it is already over, they never gave me anything anyway" etc. I don't agree with this choice of his, it happened that my mom behaved carelessly around him and I told her in private that she had been insensitive on that occasion.

 

[Crema Americana]

Maybe I'm misreading, but stopping by uninvited or not giving gifts may be annoying, but doesn't necessarily mean they're jerks. Then again I don't really know them or the situation, so...

You had a civil ceremony no? Were they invited? Some families put a lot of importance towards the reception/church ceremony and if there wasn't really a "wedding" they may not feel obligated to give gifts. That doesn't mean that they won't help out with expenses post marriage... although it is surprising they didn't give you any gifts or money at all (whether it's towards furnishing a new home, honeymoon, or whatever.) Both our parents helped out a lot, but we didn't ask for or expect any gifts from those invited. We had a small wedding with only close friends and family and I'd say about half didn't give any gift.

I can understand how it is disappointing when close relatives don't really seem to help out - especially parents. I have the opposite issue. My mother-in-law redecorated our whole house (including organizing the entire closet and my underwear drawer) while we were away for 3 weeks. She even picked out the tiles in our kitchen and bought light fixtures and a bunch of furniture. Thankfully she doesn't have bad taste, and I'm grateful because the expenses incurred were a small fortune, but on the other hand I was like "wtf, I wanted to pick my own tiles!" and "omg I'm glad I didn't have anything too embarrassing in the closet." So yea, in-laws. I think you just have to try to keep it positive and imagine they have good intentions at the bottom of it all. Otherwise you get into a situation where there's resentment and bad feelings.

 

[Girino]

We had a civil ceremony at the only place available, a nasty place called Munro in the municipality of Vicente Lopez.
We knew it was going to be a matter of 15 minutes, and due to internal family conflicts we decided not to invite anyone except my husband' sister and his boyfriend - we needed witnesses, after all, and they were "neutral" - i.e. nor from my MIL' side, nor from my FIL' side (they went through a nasty divorce and the family split badly).

We told everyone we were getting married as soon as we booked the date, and also that we didn't want anybody at the Registro Civil in Munro, since it was really a bureaucratic thing and we wanted to avoid people arguing over who was invited and who was not. But we have been together for 6 years and we lived together even before moving here, so it is not like we met yesterday.

Of course, when furnishing our Argentinian flat we got no help whatsoever from my FIL, while in Italy we were helped by my MIL and my mom. With "helped" I mean they passed along used things they didn't need, such as plates, flatwares, curtains, an old couch, and old mattress or offered to help with chores such as getting a new stuffing for the old couch, or taking us to nice place to shop for cookware and then paying the bill, etc.

It is just that his older son got married, and he is the first son he has to get married, he just came back to the country after spending 25 years abroad after his mother moved to Italy (after divorcing). Nobody is asking for money, but some kind of gesture of support would be appreciated.

 

[Bajo_cero2]

1) i do it all the time with my cousin but only with her. I used to do it with my grand Ma but now she lives in the country side.

To put limits it's Ok.

2) gifts...most of the people survives here. Even they might do better, the culture is already of austerity.

What's wrong about wine as a gift? (If it is a good one)

3) Marriage and gifts. Here is common the "lista de casamiento". The couple gives the address of a shop that specializes on wedding presents and they made a list of what they need, from cheap things to very expensive and people who is invited choose from that list according to his budget.

4) Sorry, you married the whole combo. That's why i married an expat...she used to complain about my familly a lot. Now she gave up (and she deal with the nice part of the familly).

 

[wineguy999]

For what it's worth, even Argentine ex-pats in the US can be pretty spontaneous about socializing. We regularly receive calls at 6pm for a parilla at 8.

Showing up unannounced and empty handed is not something I have experienced from Argentinos, though. Maybe our friends are a cut above, but most show up with some masas, facturas, or some little offering.

 

[citygirl]

We entertain a lot and people always bring something with them - cookies, wine, something. Not expected but always appreciated.

Yes, people definitely stop over. That's the culture. If it makes you uncomfortable, say something. Nothing wrong with telling your MIL/FIL that you would appreciate a call before they stop over.

 

[Tilda]

I got my wedding fiesta hijacked by my father in law. I wanted a very low key asado in my aunt in laws garden in San Isidro, but he wanted a restaurant. The problem is that it got more expensive for us and in a way more complicated. But, I did have a good time in the end with a utterly confusing mix of Argentine and Swedish customs.

Now I see that he was pushing for this because it was the only of his 5 sons weddings that he would be able to invite his own friends and business acociates to. I lost because I didn't speak Spanish, I was only in the country for a short time and I didn't stand up for myself. And my husband didn't fight for me. Now I know better as does he.

 

[semigoodlookin]

1. I have very regularly my Wife's brother randomly show up with his daughter cause she is bored to play with our kids, and then he fucks off. Uninvited guests, imposing, not asking, not caring what you may be doing, not caring if you want to eat, drink, look after kids, not caring what time of the day it is. In my four years here, all of that seems very common.

2. I don't mind if they turn up without a gift, I mind that the turn up.

3. Well, normal etiquette would say you bring some kind of gift, especially for close family I would have thought. The way I see it though, if people do not buy me gifts (birthday, christmasetc.) then I do not have to buy them. I have also found that when I give gifts here they are not much appreciated. I went back to the UK and brought back loads of perfumes, watches, etc. for gifts and I got a casual thank you from the recievers. I didn't want a parade, but at least some recognition that I had made an effort. The most I have had as a gift from poeple returning from vacation here was a box of chocolates. I am very close with being done with giving gifts in this country, besides my wife and kids of course.

 

[Girino]

His grandpa (from his mom' side) brought a cake, which was very sweet of him considering that we didn't have a function, thus we didn't have a wedding cake.
He even went looking for a groom&bride figurine to put on top. :wub:

But from his father' side, nothing, nada, niet.
Jeez, bring flowers from a kiosk (20 ARS) on your way, or stop and buy some medialunas (ARS 28 a dozen), call/message/show up to congratulate.
For how informal it was, it is always a milestone in his son's life and should be acknowledged, if not celebrated.

At this point I think that even if we had a formal function (restaurant dinner) the result would have been the same. I am SO GLAD we saved those money that otherwise would have been spent to put up with people who couldn't care less about it.

But I am still of the idea that one should stand up for his self and don't allow people treating you like your are worth nothing.
We're adults, now! Demand respect!

My husband even bought him a small gift for Father's day. Two months later he gets married and his father brings nothing. What the heck?!