Maintaining Language & Culture in a Multicultural Family

[Crema Americana]

It's good that you speak to her in English and try to watch shows in English with her. It's a great start. Do you read to her or tell her stories in English at bed time? Does she watch cartoons or movies in English? Does she listen to English children's music? Maybe have her communicate with one of her cousins or family members in Canada as a sort of penpal - preferrably someone close to her age. It might motivate her to want to learn and speak more English. If you really want your child to speak like a native, they need to be immersed in the language, even if it's just at home. You should speak to her in English all the time and try to encourage her to answer you in English as well.

I grew up learning Spanish because that's the only language my mother could speak while growing up in the US and we spent our summers in Spain. I think it might be easier when it's the mother teaching the "second" language since they tend to spend more of the day with the child, but you should be able to teach her English as well. Just stick with it and try to expose her to as much English as possible in ways that she enjoys.

Do you travel to Canada with her at all? Even if it's just a few weeks or months at a time (over summer break or for Christmas) she'll be forced to speak English with her Canadian family and will undoubtably pick it up while talking to other children or watching TV. Little kids are like sponges, they'll pick it right up if they're exposed. But sometimes they'll resist, especially if they feel like they don't need it or if it's made out to be like homework... my younger brother doesn't speak Spanish as well as I do because he never cared to practice it and preferred to speak English. Now he regrets it!

 

[gpop]

There are many aspects that you guys are mentioning that I have tried or I am doing (I didn't want to write an autobiography in one post , eh) and I do appreciate the feedback, there are some things that I had not thought of.

I changed her school for this year already. I found books that are in spanish/english (Sylvester, Tweety, and Granny mysteries series for example). The thing that I think that she needs is to have friends who are in the same boat.

The combination of being the father of a little girl, and being a foreigner, and often having to be the disciplinarian, and the main bread-winner in the family puts me in a less-than-favorable position. I am sometimes the unpopular parent because her friends think its weird, or she's mad at me because I had to punish her for something, or she spends more time with my wife or her abuela because I am working, or that -as she's growing- she needs female guidance. I have to wait my turn to impart knowledge of any kind to her. The 24/7 Spanish is just fuel to the fire.

As AngelinBA pointed out many similarities; and for me, it's painful to think that my child is rejecting part of her heritage because she is not exactly like her other friends. And the "can of worms" has been opened more often than not and I guess this is why I posted here. I think that maybe I am not perfect in the way I handle the situation sometimes, but I am ultimately thinking about her personal development and her future. I am able to take criticism if I am being too demanding, however, I cannot and will not accept complacency as an excuse NOT to learn the language or culture of a foreign parent.
I will not make a blanket decision to say that we will always live here, or in Canada... I want my daughter to be a lot more global-minded and shed any illusions of patriotism. I myself was born in Romania, lived in Italy, then most of my life in Canada, then in Quebec (which is still Canada but seems like another country a lot of the time)... I speak all of those languages except Italian (I cannot remember much). Now I live here, so the concept of patriotism is lost on me especially in a era when borders and countries are so volatile.

 

[RSPlayer]

This is a topic that is frequently discussed in our house. I am from the U.S. and met my Argentine wife about 15 years ago when she was in graduate school in the U.S. We met in English and have continued to speak to each other in English. Our six year old son was born in the U.S. and moved with us to Argentina when he was about 10 months. Our two year old was born here. Our objective (dream) is for both boys to be completely bi-lingual and bi-cultural, so when they are in the U.S, nobody thinks the are “foreign” and when they are in Argentina, nobody thinks they are foreign. This obviously goes well beyond language and accent.

So, regarding language, we had read a bit and it seemed that the “experts” say that it is important to be consistent and to maintain a “system” like, one person, one language, or one place, one language. Well, we tried that, I spoke only in English and my wife spoke only Spanish, and not only did it not seem right, it wasn’t working, obviously our son was exposed to much more Spanish than English. So, we abandoned that “formal” system and my wife speaks a lot more English and I also speak some Spanish to our son(s). If we are at the dinner table, and a conversation is started in one language, we mostly continue in the language until the subject is finished and we start a new topic. It just seemed a little more awkward to me to have a conversation where individuals were relegated to a particular language. Some things are easier said, or ideas easier transmitted in one language or another.

I have found that kids obviously learn a new language (or 2 new languages at the same time), very differently than adults do. Early on, it is simply learning more words, for instance, our 2 year old knows agua/water and caca/poop where at the same stage he may have only known 2 words instead of 4. I remember the older boy, when he was younger would use the word water when he wanted something to drink and the word agua when he saw a lake or a fountain.

As for suggestions, many good ones have already been made; I read every night to the kids, 99% in English. When possible, I always set the TV to English, sometimes the older boy wants to switch back to Spanish and I just say, hey let’s watch in English, without making a big deal. We talk a lot about our sons’ cousins and grandparents that live in the U.S. We celebrate many U.S. holidays and fly a U.S. flag for holidays, and fly the Argentine flag for local holidays. We have a globe that we frequently look at to point out where we live and where our kids’ cousins live. We have also been fortunate enough to make several trips back to the U.S. and most of my family has visited here 1 or 2 times. They are in a bilingual school, but too early to tell how that will work, obviousely it will be a help, but I don’t expect them to be fluent from school. The thing that I definitely do not do (at least not yet), is try to force or impose any strict language rules, often times kids (and sometime adults for that matter) will do the complete opposite simply to do the opposite. I think that it may be easier to have kids growing up here to learn Spanish than it would be to have “Argentine” kids growing up in the U.S. to learn English. In the U.S. I think that often times kids that speak a different language are look upon as “strange” or “weird”, but here, as has been mentioned, it perhaps is considered “cool” to speak English.

The most difficult part is the can of worms that el hombre sin nombre is probably talking about. How do you raise kids here in B.A. with some basic values, principles and beliefs that may not be entirely compatible with life here, but at the same time not have life here drive them nuts like it does some of us???

 

[fifs2]

My daughter was born here, she goes to school here, and all that she knows is Argentina. She'll be 6 in February and only want so speak in Spanish, and thinks that there is nothing better than Argentina.

The language on the playground will always determine the dominant language and culture, it is the main socializing element for a child by the time they are of school age. Secondary languages and the customs of a multicultural family are formed by necessity. This process of learning language is easy for children when they are very young, but at a certain point it starts to get much harder; they may start to forget about secondary languages, or abandon them.

This concerns me because it seems like my daughter only has me as a link to Canada. It's all very abstract in her mind despite my efforts to educate her.

I only speak in English with her, and mom speaks Spanish. I've tried having "English-only" times of the day, or that she ought to speak only English with me and her grand-parents in Canada, or playing games that compare Spanish words with the English equivalent. I tell her stories about how it was like when I was a kid, and sometimes I try to get her to watch her cartoons with me in English. She tries sometimes, and I am proud of her for the amount of words that she does know, however she has almost no sentence structure.

I am utterly exhausted by her schools poor take on an "English program", and the Argentine side of the family are luke-warm about this matter. It's really frustrating and has been the source of a lot of friction in my marriage. I pose the question to my wife, that if we were in Canada would we still have the problem in reverse? I don't think so.

I'd like to send her to a school with a better English program (even though the cost is unrealistic), or have a tutor, but I don't know that it will solve the problem or make her hate the language even more. It's as if she gets tired of trying and fades into the same kind of complacency, then resentment that I see in many Argentines. I don't want my daughter to "choose" because it is not about that. I do hope that she will learn to celebrate her rich heritage.

Can anyone relate to this?

I can relate to this except my own struggle is to get my children to identify with their father's heritage as much as they do with mine as he isn't interested in ensuring they do, which is really the opposite of your situation. My husband is Swedish but has spent so much time outside the country that he thinks, acts and lives as an English speaker. Over our years together I have taken extensive Swedish classes and roped in my motherin law who sends cards, books, dvs, t-shirts and basically anything of pop-culture so we can jointly try to get them to relate more to their Scandinavian roots. Does it work? Not as jot, as if my husband won't speak to them in Swedish it's a lost cause for which I feel so sad and struggle with daily as the grandparents are seeing that their history will die with this generation. I will keep on trying and will get the kids into Swedish lessons when they're slightly older but I like you mourn the lost opportunity for my children...even if it's not I as the spouse causing such.

 

[Roxana]

The best way to learn a language is to live it. When the child will need to communicate will make an effort to learn, and no worries, because children are like sponges absorbing new words and sounds.

 

[DontMindMe]

I don't have kids so I can't give advice as a parent, but I worked as a baby-sitter for two mixed families with bilingual children years ago back in the U.S. One family had a French dad and an American mom who also spoke fluent French and two daughters aged 5 and 7, and another had two latino parents who both spoke Spanish and English with two daughters, I think 8 and 11. I thought I'd go ahead and share my observations with you as someone who has worked with these kids.

First of all, the parents always had a strategy that they both agreed on. I know this because I asked and they told me so. I have to disagree with the poster who said it is all up to you. It seems it will definitely be easier and more effective if it's a team effort. The kids I knew could speak both languages perfectly and were happy to do so. Implementing any sort of strategy is going to be very difficult if your wife and Argentine family are ambivalent. Have you sat down and really explained why this is important?

The French-American couple both spoke in French to the children, even when I was there. (Exceptions were made when working on homework or other school projects, since they kids went to school in English.) I was taking French at the time and understood most of it, but if I didn't, they would make the children tell me in English what was being said or what was going on. They had children's books in both French and English. The family went to France at least once a year to visit relatives.

The latino family did pretty much the exact same thing. I got a kick out of reading books in Spanish to the kids before they went to bed. They corrected my pronunciation (I had never taken Spanish) and the parents were thrilled about this.

I agree with other posters that the easiest thing to start doing would be to find your daughter English-speaking playmates. There are a ton of expats with kids in Buenos Aires who get play groups together who have the same language goals for their kids as you do for your daughter. Do it while she's young and probably more open to making new friends. You know how famously insular Argentines can be. Another thing you could do is hire a native English speaking baby-sitter from time to time. World Class Nannies Buenos Aires has a database of reliable people. Also, does mom speak any English at all? Maybe if she hears mom speaking it, even just a little, it could change the way she thinks about it.

Best of luck. She may complain now, but will thank you in the end. I remember my Chinese friends in Elementary school hated that they had to go to Chinese school after regular school instead of playing with their friends. But now they are glad their parents made them do it. They love being able to write and speak Chinese, not to mention they got into great schools.

 

[PhilipDT]

I'm not a parent so please take what I say with a grain of salt.

Why don't you enroll her in an all english school? There is absolutely no way that she won't speak spanish or understand Argentine culture, she lives here. But if she is speaking english all day she'll definitely learn english and hopefully she'll open up to you more in english at home.

Also, as someone mentioned earlier on, what about her going to canada? From the time I was 6 until I was 17 I would almost always fly across the country (or world depending on where we lived at the time) to spend a few weeks to a month of my summer break with my grandparents. Maybe she'd like to spend some time with her grandparents? It'd probably be great for your parents to see her too and she'd definitely be forced to speak English.

 

[franko]

I had the same problem a long time ago: 3 kids, a German mother and all of us in Argentina. I always spoke to them in English, they answered in Spanish or in German. I read them stories (Grimm's tales especially recommended) in English. When they were about 10, they suddenly realized that they could also *speak* English - so they did, so much so that they never shut up, and all without being in an English school. They are now grown and speak fluent Spanish, German and English. So relax.

 

[katti]

I know it it difficult to keep your original culture and language. My kids were already older when we moved (14-16) and they had to change from English 3th language to English first language, and learned spanish from 0. After 2 years my daughter still doesn't speak Spanish very well, but her English is absolutely great. Although her English teachers are British, she has more an American accent (especially now during holidays), because her 2 best friends (both Argentines) have lived in US/been to an American school abroad. Just to say... they imitate.

My son has 2 friends who have an US mom. I suppose they spoke English with them when they were younger, now they speak Spanish at home. Both boys speak English with an argentine accent with their friends, but both moms told me that with them, or with americans, they speak accent-less. My son (who probably has a belgian accent) also speaks with a heavy argentine accent when talking with his friends...

After a bit more then 2 years here, although at home we always speak Flemish, we are all starting to lose vocabulary. We have to look for words. Both English and Spanish words are slipping in without us realizing it. It must be a lot harder with little kids to keep up a language.

I think sending your daughter to the grandparents on holidays is a good idea. One of my daughters friends are a bit more radical : an Argentine family living in switzerland, probably for ever, 5 kids, only the oldest is born in Argentina. All the kids come to Argentina for 1 year around the age of 15. They stay at their grandmothers house, go to school here. The parents want them to learn the language (they speak spanish with their parents but german with each other), learn Argentine culture, and get to know the family...

Forcing a language upon her is probably not a good idea, considering her age. You don't want her to start hating the language. Books, stories, tv (of course that is hard here as all kids movies are dubbed), and a good friend. Only fun stuff in English.

I am sure it will work out well. English is probably the easiest language to learn, especialy for kids/teenagers, as a lot (if not most) things that are considered "cool" are in English. (music, movies,...) And whatever you might think now, she has an English base, if she refuses now, she will learn fast at a later stage in life.

 

[benderino]

I can relate to this except my own struggle is to get my children to identify with their father's heritage as much as they do with mine as he isn't interested in ensuring they do, which is really the opposite of your situation. My husband is Swedish but has spent so much time outside the country that he thinks, acts and lives as an English speaker. Over our years together I have taken extensive Swedish classes and roped in my motherin law who sends cards, books, dvs, t-shirts and basically anything of pop-culture so we can jointly try to get them to relate more to their Scandinavian roots. Does it work? Not as jot, as if my husband won't speak to them in Swedish it's a lost cause for which I feel so sad and struggle with daily as the grandparents are seeing that their history will die with this generation. I will keep on trying and will get the kids into Swedish lessons when they're slightly older but I like you mourn the lost opportunity for my children...even if it's not I as the spouse causing such.

Add me to the list of people who wish their parents had forced them to learn their native languages AND CULTURE while growing up. If I had to choose only one language to speak it would be English, but man, I SO wish I was fluent in Spanish, French, and Vietnamese. I'm studying Spanish now and want to continue with my Croatian and Vietnamese someday and it's so hard compared to learning as a child.

French will come last probably