Relationships

[KatharineAnn]

I think Rickulivi´s last post explains really well what he originally meant by ´more into themselves´ and if ´withholding sex when you don´t feel like it´ and ´if your husband wants to eat...let him cook´ are your idea of being into yourself, I agree 100%. That is a fundamental part of an american woman´s culture...at least in the slice of society I am from. And maybe this ´works´ or maybe it doesn´t for relationships, but in my view it´s probably a pretty healthy perspective for the woman. Also I´m not sure there´s any reason to believe relationships, with these more ´giving´ south american women ´work´ any better. I suppose it depends very much on your definition of working. Perhaps a culture where divorce is not accepted may appear to have better working relationships...but it´s really just a surface difference. If a woman is too giving and doesn´t think about herself enough, it probably won´t end up being a very healthy relationship at least on the woman´s side...although this may or may not be apparent due to what I mentioned earlier.

That said, given that both partners are highly giving and self-less the qualities you speak of are highly positive. But to be completely honest, and I say this being in a loving happy relationship with an argentine man for a year and a half, I certainly do not see argentine men fitting this giving description any more than I see american women fitting it.

And I also agree that a first world man and third world woman have better chances of living harmoniously than the reverse. But I love a challenge Plus you can´t help who you fall for sometimes!

 

[Adrienne]

I am a young American women, who stumbled onto this thread and find it very interesting! I am still in college and decided to study for a year here. I go to an all woman's school, very liberal in the states ( for those of you who know it, Smith). I have had the opportunity here to date a wonderful Argentinian man but there have been plenty of clashes culturally. I am not sure if ultimately it will work.

I am the daughter of a self defined feminist, who still cooks half the time and fights tooth and nail with my father but they both love each other and compromise when they need to. My father is autoritarian and demands respect from his only daughter and wife. I was a very stubborn only child, and a tomboy. I knew how to get what I wanted from my parents with compromise and as I am older and away from them learning to appreciate them more everyday. It's also interesting to note as I have grown up in this family there are time periods when my father is more willing to compromise(ie while my mother was going through menopause) and other times when my mother is. Thus I was raised in an environment where it was normal to question to fight for what you believed was correct and to not compromise on anything important unless you truely loved the person and could put yourself into their shoes.

With my Argentina boyfriend certain cultural differences have caused fights. He hates that I question him, or assume he needs to show me the fact. Things that he is sure he is correct about and expect that I accept his knowledge with out proving it. I am a scientist interested in learning and arguments are typical for me to learn, and be proven wrong. I have no problem admitting when I am correct or appologizing for offending him after we resolve our issue. Also, its difficult to express the things that I would like him to change for our relationship to work, he feels personally attacked and then completely guilty for not realizing " he was being a horrible boyfriend" I am not use to this at all. Normally with american men, you can tell them what you have trouble with, they will either agree with you and take the advice or disagreee with you and sulk. I never look for someone to appologize or tell me they are horrible only an agreement to try and make things better, and to have the same curtosy. I would like to know what is bothering him about myself, what I should try to change.

I am absolutly in love with him, want things to work and we just can't stop fighting. I've started dressing more feminine because I know it pleases him, like Cath I wear my hair longer than I would like because I know he likes it that way and I do want him to be the happiest man in the world. I want to make him happy, but I also want to be happy. Right now we are taking about 15 days where we are not going to see each other. We still talk, we are both going on vacations seperately and we are trying to take the time to think about one and other and appreciate them, as well as focus on what we can do to make it work. this is a huge improvement for me, as before the machismo and then ownership I was feeling from him was driving me crazy. He needed to know where I was every day when I got home safely who I was with and I couldn't go a day with out upset and angry messages that he was worried that I wasn't alright.

I would be interested to here the male and female perspectives on this and hope there will be no offensive comments. I believe many american women are willing to give but have not realized what there husbands want, or have not been able to seperate themselves from their significant other in order to appreciate how much they do give or need to improve on. Certainly this applies for women everywhere though especially in teh united states where individualism is completly encouraged, education is super important and first on many womens minds.

Also interestingly enough, Smith is a very good school (one of the 7 sisters opposite the Ivy leages) I am planning on finishing my degree and getting a PhD later so I feel I may have a lot in common with Cath. There are intellegant, careing women in the United States who strive to balance everything and keep there partners happy.

 

[jp]

If you can't communicate, you fight all the time and he wants you to unquestioningly accept his authority on everything.... well, I'd call it quits, before your self esteem and confidence get wrecked. You're young and haven't been together long. If its broke from the start there's not much to salvage.

(male perspective)