Dealing with older parents overseas

[yoga*bird]

Hi, I wanted to ask my fellow expats about dealing with older parents overseas. I think one of the hardest things about living abroad and so far away from ones original home and roots, is dealing with ageing parents. We are considering up rooting again only to be closer to one set of our elder parents, who have started to need more help. It is a very difficult choice but I honestly feel that I wouldn't forgive myself it I weren't close by when one of my parents were hospitalized. Has anyone experienced this? Am I giving myself a guilt trip? Or should I be listening to this little voice which keeps telling me to get back there?

 

[MizzMarr]

Life is short. Being away from family has been one of the hardest things about living so far away for me, and being closer to family (ultimately nobody knows how much time anybody has, and kids grow up fast, too!) is a big reason that we're looking to uproot and move back to be closer to family as well.

As to your own situation, it's all relative (har har) and depends on how close you are, and how much your family means to you. Because you're posting this indicates that you really would never forgive yourself if you were far away in a moment of crisis, personally I think you should listen to that little voice nagging you. In my experience that little voice is rarely wrong. Best of luck in your decision process.

 

[starlucia]

I can sort of relate to this. For the last couple of years, I've been spending half of each in Argentina. In 2010, I returned to the States for a 3-month visit, and my dad unexpectedly died of a heart attack 1 week after picking me up from the airport. It was horrible, of course, but I would have been way more shattered if it had happened while I was away. I cherish my memories of that last week with him, and am also glad that I was there in his house to immediately begin dealing with all of the estate and funeral headaches.

So I guess what I'm saying is... if your heart is telling you to be near your parents, listen. Argentina will always be there when you're ready to return.

 

[syngirl]

Ugh it's a horrible situation, and my in-laws here just don't understand it. Having never been out of the country they don't understand why my 75 year old mum isn't interested in flying 26 hrs down here a few times a year to visit (because of course they assume that she has the money and should be able to do so no problem).

Even after my mum had a medical emergency and ended up in Hospital Fernandez two days before my wedding last year they assume she's just going to come down and visit us at the drop of a hat (and therefore it is not necessary for us to consider moving there!)

She is coming next month, on her own for the first time, and I have to say I'm very stressed about it. Her health is not that great, she doesn't speak the language and she will be flying on her own. I pretty much assume this will be her last visit (she's coming to meet our baby).

We're still hoping to move back to Canada at some point and be a bit closer -- my in-laws are 12 years younger than my mum and they have a couple of other kids to look after them, so while we know we'd be torn the other way I don't think it would weigh nearly as much on us as it does now.

 

[nativexpat]

I came back to Argentina for that reason only...

My parents are not that old but I have had expats friends having their parents die suddenly and that's what made me realize that I did not want to be that far away ... and not just in case they die suddenly, I mean I want to be here when they need me... I want my children to have grandparents.

I was never close to my family growing up in Argentina, but living abroad (and almost dying abroad) made me realize how much I needed them and wanted to "get to know them better"... I am having a hard time adjusting to living here, but every Sunday, when I come back from a lazy afternoon at mom's I know that I made the right choice...

 

[yoga*bird]

Syngirl, hang in there. It is great your mother is going to come to meet your new baby. You are right a long flight like that is very difficult for older adults. My mother and yours' are in the same boat (plane) for this matter. It is just too hard on them.
I was very stressed when my mother came to Argentna a few years back. It was hard managing a baby stroller and guiding her at the same time. She has osteoporosis and if she were to mess up her steps on some of the horrible sidewalks in this country it would be all over for her, she'd break a bone. Things are just much more stressful for older adults in a large city where pedestrians have no rights. A person who's not used to it will find it difficult to manage getting around alone. It is unfair to assume that she would or should be able to do it on her own at 75.

I suggest you ask the airline for assistance and a wheelchair to meet her and help her through customs at EZE. The staff is very kind so she will have assistance until you can meet her. Then make sure Canada and Argentina have a health agreement, (It is only the USA where health care sucks that has no agreements with other civilized countries) so if something did happen here she would be taken care of or she can buy international health coverage. But I think, someone correct me if I am wrong, that public health care would cover her in case of an accident here. Be prepared just in case and then have a wonderful trouble free visit.

Talk to your mother about it too, about your concerns. I did that and it helped me realize that my parents would never come out and tell me to return to be with them, but that they appreciated the concern and liked the idea a lot. So if this is your case too, then you'll have to find out how to make it happen and as the poster above said..."Argentina will all ways be here if you desire to return one day."

 

[tomdesigns]

Hi, I wanted to ask my fellow expats about dealing with older parents overseas. I think one of the hardest things about living abroad and so far away from ones original home and roots, is dealing with ageing parents. We are considering up rooting again only to be closer to one set of our elder parents, who have started to need more help. It is a very difficult choice but I honestly feel that I wouldn't forgive myself it I weren't close by when one of my parents were hospitalized. Has anyone experienced this? Am I giving myself a guilt trip? Or should I be listening to this little voice which keeps telling me to get back there?

One thing to keep in mind is that moving closer to elderly or aging parents to care for them can turn into decades of work. My grandmother is 96 and my mom and dad have been caring for her in small apartment they built off the back of the house for over 15 years. This circumstance controls and complicates my parents retired life in almost every possible way.

I know about the guilt thing, went thru it myself and still do at times. But I came to the conclusion that I have only this one life to live. Perhaps that is selfish but it is an absolute fact. And I want to experience as much of this planet and life as I can before my time is up.

 

[fifs2]

It is difficult but we do only have 1 life to live and we have to do what is best for ourselves first and foremost.

I am as ambitious as they come but that phrase sounds so cold and selfish. The same holds true for anything in life - ie I have to get ahead so sorry I dont want to give of my time, effort etc if it doesnt benefit me in my drive to live a wonderful life.

Personally I feel I do owe a lot to my parents who gave me my incredible start and support in life..and to return to care for them is just part of fulfilling that cycle of life. Of course they wouldnt want any of us to put our life on hold but if you remember the huge sacrifices they made for you as a child then it seems a fair deal to give of your own time to take care of them in their final years.

I appreciate we all think differently and for criticising...just seems a sad world to be in where it's all me me me instead of we we we.

 

[captainmcd]

One regret I have about my life was when I was not there for my mother when she died. But now that I am older myself, I would not want my children to worry about me or make major sacrifices to be there for me when my turn comes. Now my wife is coping with an ailing 93 year old mother in Argentina while we are most of the time in the U.S. We have arranged for in home help for "Abuela" on a daily basis, and it is much less expensive than the same service would be in the U.S.