Dealing with older parents overseas

[French jurist]

An enchanting book by a major XXth cent. writer (of course, his Belle du Seigneur is a must read once in your life).

Albert Cohen left France for London to escape the Nazis in 1940. In 1943 he received news of his mother’s death in Marseilles. Unable to mourn her, he expressed his grief in a series of articles for La France Libre and revised them in 1954 for publication as Le Livre de ma mère (Book of My Mother). The book has since been translated into eleven languages. Cohen intended it as a tribute to all mothers: ‘I shall not have written in vain if one of you, after reading my song of death, is one evening gentler with his mother because of me and my mother’

 

[Caz]

Its NOT an easy one - my mother is many miles away and is over 80 - my father died a few years back (in a bad way) - yes she misses me but the golden rule here (for me) is a simple one - I have to live *MY* life... At the same time I will do anything and everything I can to be there for her (even if long distance) and for those I care about in the several other countries I have called home over the last 30 years or so - but I still have to LIVE MY LIFE rather than put it ''on hold'' for others - if I do I run the risk of sitting back one day years from now and asking myself WHERE it all went... NOT sure if this helps or not - but like a great man (somebody) once said a long time ago, ''life is not a dress rehearsal - its the main event'' (or at least I think that was the quote...).

 

[yoga*bird]

Thanks a lot for all the encouragement. I too want to live my life and I'd like to have my older parents in it more often. I'm blessed with wonderful parents in the States and equally wonderful In-laws in Argentina. But I'd like to enjoy time with my parents and family while things are good and we can enjoy each other. I don't see going back to the States to be with them as putting my life on hold. Rather, I see it as an opportunity to share good times with loved ones in person and more often,,,not just Skype. Both of my parents have serious degenerating health problems so things aren't going to get any better over time. Each year when I go home, I can see huge changes and they just get bigger with time.

I really appreciate the community's honest words. It helps a lot in trying to get my head around the choices. My only big fear of returning to CA is finding a job and dealing with health care. I have been so spoiled with Argentine health care especially the doctors who make house calls when my son gets ill, really an amazing service in this day and age.

 

[chris]

Ugh it's a horrible situation, and my in-laws here just don't understand it. Having never been out of the country they don't understand why my 75 year old mum isn't interested in flying 26 hrs down here a few times a year to visit (because of course they assume that she has the money and should be able to do so no problem).

Even after my mum had a medical emergency and ended up in Hospital Fernandez two days before my wedding last year they assume she's just going to come down and visit us at the drop of a hat (and therefore it is not necessary for us to consider moving there!)

She is coming next month, on her own for the first time, and I have to say I'm very stressed about it. Her health is not that great, she doesn't speak the language and she will be flying on her own. I pretty much assume this will be her last visit (she's coming to meet our baby).

We're still hoping to move back to Canada at some point and be a bit closer -- my in-laws are 12 years younger than my mum and they have a couple of other kids to look after them, so while we know we'd be torn the other way I don't think it would weigh nearly as much on us as it does now.

I understand how you feel. Please contact the airline and arrange for your mother to be met at the airport with an employee and a wheel chair. Arrangements should be made for her to be met at Ezeiza with the same service. If she is anything like my mother, she will find all the security procedures highly stressful. By setting everything up for someone who is elderly and needs help everything will be expedited and she will arrive in a much better state.

 

[chris]

I don't think there is a simple answer to your concern. It really depends on the situation. We can not always be around our parents and even if you were living in the same house you would presumably be working and could not be around your parents 24 hours a day. You could go on vacation and something could happen. The real issue, I think, is the relationship that you have had with your parents all your life. You have your own life to live. A reasonable parent understands that. Have you done everything possible to give your mother help? Are there social services that she could use? Does she have help with cleaning? Buying food? Going to the doctor. There are many social services around nowadays. If you haven't already, check them out.

My sister lives far closer to my mother than I do however she gives our mother little attention. I make extended trips back to the US, monitor my mother's health, speak to the doctor and call her several times a day. With all the inexpensive means of telecommunication we now have you can have constant contact with your mother if you want. I call my mother daily, at the time that I know she normally wakes up. I got her a cell phone with large numbers that she can easily read. On the rare occasions when she doesn't answer I wait a bit and then check with contacts to see where she is. I have set up a system that is almost as good as it would be if I were there. After the wake up call I make two or three more calls a day. This way she feels in touch and knows that I am looking out for her. I've also set up a network to help out - social services, a couple of paid helpers and some friends who step in when help is needed. So far my mother is managing well. If things change I'll have to re-evaluate. Basically I am saying that you should live your life the best way for yourself while also considering the welfare of the people close to you. If you haven't done so already, see what services you can set up for your mother and if you can establish a help network that will step in where needed. Being there at the end is not nearly as important as the relationship you have had over the decades.

 

[nikad]

I can only tell you the other side of the story: my husband moved down here some 9 years ago. I had all my family down here ( mom, dad, granny, etc ) and he had both his parents.

He actually got closer to them since he moved here, but that is probably because he had been living on his own for several years, and you know that family life works differently in the US. A few years ago, my mother died suddenly, and it was one of the toughest times, but I was glad to be here, and need to be here because it was my granny ( her mother ) who survived her. We now live 3 blocks from her. I am not as attached to my father.

In this time my husband´s dad got ill, with a terminal illness. and now I feel guilty, as if I was keeping his son down here He managed to visit him twice, but still it is not an easy situation. I offered him to stay with him for some months if he wanted to. Last week he was hospitalized and even if I wanted to go with my husband I would not have been allowed onto any flights being over 7 months pregnant.

This all puts a lot of pressure on both of us. We both feel guilty. I imagine all expats go through this at some point and it really sucks. I know in some time we will move to the US, mainly just so he has the chance to be with his family, etc just like I had. I think it is only fair, and then I will get the other side of the coin

I know first hand that being an expat is really tough when it comes to family that is far away.

My best fried had emigrated to Spain years ago, and the next year he was flying back to BA to visit his mom, and she died while he was in the air .

My cousin who lives in DC, had her grandmother ( who raised her so it was like her own mother ) pass and she couldn´t make it to BA because she still didn´t have her legal papers in the US.

 

[chris]

Difficult situation. I think you did all that you could.