Why Argentines don't look for new friends

[HotYogaTeacher]

It's an interesting discussion. There is, I would guess, a little more to it than just the fact that they don't move or don't "have room" for more. My experience has been that Argentines are not trusting people. In business, in love, in general. This is likely due in large part to the dirty war and the financial ups and downs (which cause crime), the culture of infidelity doesn't help either. The relationship coaching clients I have had who are local have been some of the most destructively mistrustful people I've ever encountered professionally and the culture supports them in being so. An honest, faithful and committed partner will be continually accused of infidelity, infidelity of thought, action, desire or simply possibility, in other words, because s/he was in a situation where it was POSSIBLE to be unfaithful s/he will be accused. This level of distrust for others would naturally lead one to be more comfortable in the company of people one knows well. Perhaps they are not perfect, but at least with the familiar you know what you're going to get.

I find it sad and frustrating. I came here to grow in connection to another culture and this culture has not been welcoming in the way I have been able to connect to. Expectations and perspectives being what they are, I have learned much, but will not have any local friends I will keep in close contact with when I leave here, and I know I will not be missed by anyone here outside of my expat circle.

Women in particular seem less than open. Even when they notice that it would be nice to be friends they find reasons not to. One woman told me recently that she was sorry she had not accepted any of my many invitations to she and her boyfriend. Crying she shared that the last 2 years have been hard ones for her, and for him. They have struggled with their health, their relationship and their lives in general on several fronts. While she likes me and enjoys my company these things alone do not urge her out of her shell. In my world new people, new friends, help us to get through such times, for her they are an extra burden at a time when she has so much to think about. I will miss not having known her better, because what I do know I like...

 

[citygirl]

The whole concept of not having room in one's life for more friends is absolutley baffling to me.

My life has taken me to many cities and several countries and I've met such amazing people and continue to make friends. Now I wouldn't of course say that everyone I meet becomes a "best friend" but many, many have become good friends and some indeed have become best friends that I could rely on for anything (and have).

Meeting new people teaches you things, exposes you to new ideas and makes you view the world in a different way. I can't imagine if I were only friends with the people from my childhood.

Of my closest friends, some are from childhood, some highschool, some university, some are fellow expats, others I met through a shared hobby - I've met so many different people.

 

[nlaruccia]

I just spend two hours giving an English class to a young Argentinean who spent the entire time telling me about Argentinean ideology. According to her, people are very untrustworthy, and lie. I thought it was a rather blunt statement, but she's one of those young intellectual against society thinkers who says exactly what she thinks. A rare quality in an Argentinean. She went on and on about how wealthy people like to pretend that they're still living in the 50's, where the woman stops working once she has children and they hire a housekeeper to cook and clean and send their children to Miami on their 15th birthday. She continued to say that if a woman approaches a man, or looks at him because she's interested, the man automatically assumes she just wants to go to a telo, and that it's very difficult to have a relationship here, much less a friendship.

My best friend, who lets me in on the secrets that Argentineans won't tell you, has been very insightful in helping me to understanding their psyche. In fact, the only reason he lets me into his world is because we used to date and we went through a lot together. Yes, it's true, usually Argentineans are friends with their elementary or high school class mates. Generally they will have met their wives in college. One of my pet peeves here is when you invite an Argie friend to do something and they don't respond to your email or phone call until a week later, or not at all. Why is this? Well, I was told this is because they consider it rude to tell you, no thank you, I don't want to go to the movie theater with you or out to a restaurant with you. It's bad mannered. It's more polite to simply not respond at all. For me that's unacceptable behavior. Then again, I come from a culture where it's more polite and honest to just admit that you have plans, or that you don't want to see that particular movie, or that you'd prefer to stay in and maybe you two could do something another day. It's incredible how many little white lies they tell to their own friends instead of just being up front. I don't want to make a sweeping generalization, but I've seen enough of that kind of behavior to make me want to comment on it.

 

[perry]

Some good points here from Hot Yoga and NLaruccia and I do feel that the cultural differences can make deep friendship hard between argentines and foreigners . I do have two excellent argentine friends but they have lived overseas and they have a different outlook on life.

Yes I also find it difficult that there is a lack of being honest and upfront with people about things that count . People seem more animated to be agressive than be complimentary on others and value their good points . To only assume the worst brings out a defeatist attitude and is counter productive.

Argentina has so much potential as a country and a society but like many societies it does not confront its realities with positive change.

 

[HotYogaTeacher]

Never has been my experience. I had a Spanish woman once give me the key to her home in Barcelona because I was headed there next. She told me I could stay the night, shower and prep for my flight home there but that she wouldn't be back till after I left.
Conversely, an Argentine woman once came all the way to my neighborhood to deliver some books she was donating to me, I invited her up to my house and she said, exact quote "Oh no! I couldn't!" When I asked why not she said, "I am Argentinean. We don't go to stranger's homes. It's not polite." Just one experience obviously. I've had many Argentines in my home for gallery nights, dinner, drinks, never been invited back to one of theirs, ever. I have never had dinner at an Argentine home and I've been here 2 years and entertain all the time.

 

[HotYogaTeacher]

I'm with Peri in that most of my Argentine "friends" people I actually like and get along with, feel close to, have lived elsewhere and developed a different attitude or perspective than those who've lived in Argentina all their lives, as we are, by living here...

 

[SaraSara]

I've had many Argentines in my home for gallery nights, dinner, drinks, never been invited back to one of theirs, ever. I have never had dinner at an Argentine home and I've been here 2 years and entertain all the time.

Many locals live modestly. Could it be that they feel ashamed of their apartments?

But it is true that Args. are very guarded. Once my mother's phone was out of order and she needed to make a call - she was horrified when I suggested going next door to borrow the neighbor's phone.

 

[zaenden]

political, economical,cultural, religious, racial differences all matter.

 

[JoeBlow]

It puts me in mind of a theory I heard not so long ago ("monkeysphere" or something? Can't be sure) which suggests that most people only have "room" in their lives for around 100 people at a time, and it defined "room" as the mental and emotional capacity we have to share our lives with those people. As we move through life we invariably make new friends and come in to contact with new people, all the while perhaps losing touch with a few from our pasts as well.

100 people!!!! Jesus H Christ!

I share my life with about 3.
4 if you count my psychologist.
Maybe that's why I have a psychologist.

 

[SaraSara]

100 people!!!! Jesus H Christ!

I share my life with about 3.
4 if you count my psychologist.
Maybe that's why I have a psychologist.

Consider letting go of your psychologist and getting a dog instead - they are cheaper and more fun.