Why Argentines don't look for new friends

[SaraSara]

This is an exchange of opinions taken from another forum.

It deals with Uruguayans' attitude towards expats, but it could just as easily had been about Argentines. Perhaps it will help foreigners understand the reasons behind the locals' clannishness and aloofness.

I had second thoughts about posting this here because of the contentious nature of this forum - some people seem more interested in arguing than in exchanging information. But here it goes, just in case.

*******************
"Well, a friend of mine put it very bluntly to me once. He was arguing that I could not possibly have "real" friends in New York where I was living at the time, because the real friends are those you make on your street or school, preferably elementary as opposed to high-school. When I argued and argued against his point, he ended up with the disarming statement: "Whatever, I don't have room in my life for new friends anyway." We weren't even 30 at the time.

I think that in a very articulate way he sums up a national disposition. Between extended families, your neighborhood friends from childhood, your elementary and high school friends, maybe a couple you picked up in college or professional life, who has room for any more people? The key thing to remember is that everyone more or less -minus emigres- is still around and present in your life."


That makes a lot of sense. Shortly after I moved here, I was surprised when a Uruguayan asked me how people make friends in the US. I thought: Well, just like anywhere else, right? They meet people at work, at church, at their kids' school events, at gyms, taking classes, joining groups of mutual interest, in neighborhood shops, etc, etc.

Later on it dawned on me where he was coming from -- Uruguayans don't really need to make friends as adults, since they already have such an enormous network of friends from their grade school days and from their extended families, most of whom still live nearby and are still friends. They aren't used to the idea of moving to a place where they know no one, and starting from scratch to form a new social network, something that a lot of people in the US simply take for granted. (Even people who never move away from their hometown must do it to some extent, because so many of their friends will move away.)

****************

“Uruguayans don't really need to make friends as adults, since they already have such an enormous network of friends from their grade school days and from their extended families, most of whom still live nearby and are still friends.”

That is pretty much the case in Argentina, too. It feels very cozy and safe, but the downside is that those people tend to have the same opinions and the same life experiences, so all tend to talk about the same things. It is almost like socializing with your brothers and sisters: you know what they are going to say before they open their mouths.

Personally, I enjoy the warm feeling of being with people I've known all my life, but also like the excitement of meeting people from different backgrounds, with totally different opinions and points of view.

=============

 

[HowardinBA]

good thread Sara.I have made so many new friends here in BA.but friends of a different level.I really don,t know which of them I could trust,as I would for my home/school friends.I guess it,s a "level" thingy.how would you categorise Friends I:E:

BEST friend/s
SOCIAL friends
WORK friends

all different levels of companions..

good post,thanks Howard

 

[nikad]

I guess it is very different in the US where people move from one state to another so many times. People here and possibly in Uruguay tend to live in the same city/area/province, so they have most of their extended family and childhood friends handy, so they feel they do not need more friends or they have " no room " for more.

 

[Liam3494]

I think that is a very valid disposition of people here, and in Uruguay. In my short time living here (so far), I have been accepted into my partners circle of friends, the vast majority of whom have been her friends since school, or at least college. They have welcomed me as her partner, and despite my weak Spanish, the male ones have started to invite me to socialise with them seperately, and I am being accepted into their circle/ Whether I could have done that on my own, I doubt.

I think one of the differences is the fact that here people tend to grown up, get educated, and work, in the same locality, far more than in the US, and to a lesser extent, in Ireland and the UK (Not so sure about mainland Europe, I will leave that for others to answer).

Personally, I have been a mover most of my life, and have had to make new friends in new locations, some of whom remain friends to this day, some who inevitably fall away, Xmas card friends. I was 4 when I left my birth country for London, 6 when we moved again, and at 12 we moved close to Liverpool. Going to Uni in yet another city, staying afterwards, then getting married and moving again, getting divorced and yet again moving, before heading home to Ireland at 40, and now living here for the last 9 monthsm and beyond..... Each time, it was a new set of friends. Met through common interests, be they work, running, politics etc.,, and as I say, some are friends from years gone by, but most are friends that become more distant - Its hard to maintain true friendships as a nomad, maybe that's why the Argentines/Uruguayans have their circles tighter than some of us nomads - they are less likely to move too far from their roots...

Personally, I am enjoying making new friends here in BsAs, and hopefully those will become more than Xams Card friends over time. Be they Ex-pats sharing the experiences here, or locals who can welcome a sociable eejit into their midsts.....

Excellent points made in the OP, and far from being inflamatory at all, as I said, very valid.

 

[M1ke]

Very interesting. It puts me in mind of a theory I heard not so long ago ("monkeysphere" or something? Can't be sure) which suggests that most people only have "room" in their lives for around 100 people at a time, and it defined "room" as the mental and emotional capacity we have to share our lives with those people. As we move through life we invariably make new friends and come in to contact with new people, all the while perhaps losing touch with a few from our pasts as well.

It made a lot of sense when I thought about. I mean, how many people are you really close to in your daily life counting friends, acquaintences and relatives? How many people do you keep in very regular contact with, keeping up with the events of their lives and filling them in on yours? There is after all only so much time and energy available to us and it's impossible to stay completely involved with everyone you've ever been close to, especially with people moving further away or travelling around and settling in new places.

Perhaps if you live in a culture that places more emphasis on remaining settled in one place or moving in smaller social circles you hit that limit without going anywhere, as old school friends, acquaintences etc don't really fade from the picture.

 

[gouchobob]

This is an exchange of opinions taken from another forum.

It deals with Uruguayans' attitude towards expats, but it could just as easily had been about Argentines. Perhaps it will help foreigners understand the reasons behind the locals' clannishness and aloofness.

I had second thoughts about posting this here because of the contentious nature of this forum - some people seem more interested in arguing than in exchanging information. But here it goes, just in case.

*******************
"Well, a friend of mine put it very bluntly to me once. He was arguing that I could not possibly have "real" friends in New York where I was living at the time, because the real friends are those you make on your street or school, preferably elementary as opposed to high-school. When I argued and argued against his point, he ended up with the disarming statement: "Whatever, I don't have room in my life for new friends anyway." We weren't even 30 at the time.

I think that in a very articulate way he sums up a national disposition. Between extended families, your neighborhood friends from childhood, your elementary and high school friends, maybe a couple you picked up in college or professional life, who has room for any more people? The key thing to remember is that everyone more or less -minus emigres- is still around and present in your life."


That makes a lot of sense. Shortly after I moved here, I was surprised when a Uruguayan asked me how people make friends in the US. I thought: Well, just like anywhere else, right? They meet people at work, at church, at their kids' school events, at gyms, taking classes, joining groups of mutual interest, in neighborhood shops, etc, etc.

Later on it dawned on me where he was coming from -- Uruguayans don't really need to make friends as adults, since they already have such an enormous network of friends from their grade school days and from their extended families, most of whom still live nearby and are still friends. They aren't used to the idea of moving to a place where they know no one, and starting from scratch to form a new social network, something that a lot of people in the US simply take for granted. (Even people who never move away from their hometown must do it to some extent, because so many of their friends will move away.)

****************

“Uruguayans don't really need to make friends as adults, since they already have such an enormous network of friends from their grade school days and from their extended families, most of whom still live nearby and are still friends.”

That is pretty much the case in Argentina, too. It feels very cozy and safe, but the downside is that those people tend to have the same opinions and the same life experiences, so all tend to talk about the same things. It is almost like socializing with your brothers and sisters: you know what they are going to say before they open their mouths.

Personally, I enjoy the warm feeling of being with people I've known all my life, but also like the excitement of meeting people from different backgrounds, with totally different opinions and points of view.

=============

This really hits the nail on the head. The culture here is very insular. I have not noticed this in other Latin countries to the same extent as here. People who have lived in other Latin countries probably found them more welcoming than most of the folks here for the very reasons above. This is not unique to Argentina and you can find the same thing in other countries around the world. I think this also impacts Argentina from an ability to change and address it's problems effectively. Most countries would have gotten rid of all the Peronist's and their nonsense decades ago after all the failures and problems, not here. People from outside just shake their heads and wonder why the people don't demand change. Why is it so insular? I think when you combine geographic isolation, (Argentina is a long way from other places), lack of economic mobility(i.e. people don't move around much), and poor educational system you end up with very inward looking people and attitudes, and high resistance to change or inovation.

 

[arty]

I have found that people who tend to say they have enough friends already are self adsorbed assholes that most people tend talk smack about when they aren't around.

 

[davonz]

I have noticed that its hard to make real friends here with locals - people who you can trust and will help you without being asked.
I would class my local friends more as acquaintances, there is always that feeling of distance, which i have put down to the fact that they think you will not be around for long so there isnt much point in putting much effort into knowing you. I have been told this by one guy, who works with expats, and says he cant be bothered with being friends with them because just when he gets to know them they move somewhere else.

 

[citymike]

I have an Argentine friend who tells me that he finds Europeans to be very reserved. He's been around a bit having worked in Spain on the Costas so he's met quite a few different nationalities. We meet up once a week at my place to practise English and Spanish, he tells me it's the first time he's been invited into a European's home.

 

[Liam3494]

I have an Argentine friend who tells me that he finds Europeans to be very reserved. He's been around a bit having worked in Spain on the Costas so he's met quite a few different nationalities. We meet up once a week at my place to practise English and Spanish, he tells me it's the first time he's been invited into a European's home.

Geez - Never an accusation made to me .... Usually the opposite, mind you, I am originally from the emerald isle....