Dating in Buenos Aires.

[nlaruccia]

Pericles, you make an interesting point. I once suggested to an ex that he question the effectiveness of his therapy since he'd been suffering from the same problem for years, and years, and years. He freaked out as if I were insulting his mother and became furious with me. How dare I speak about his psychologist that way!

 

[mini]

This is a great forum guy and it gives me a chance to express my views about this topic. I actually believe that the problem lies in the tremendous addiction people have in therapy and as you know psychology here is practiced by all social classes. Portenos seem to be insecure people but of course that is wrapped up in the confident arrogant image. The insecurities people have are not being helped by therapy here in actual fact I say the reverse that the therapy instead of helping the patient creates a dependency to his physiologist and the drugs that are casually given for any minor problem. Instead of enabling people to become strong within themselves and responsible for their actions they are victims that need constant attention and pampering from their therapists.

I was going to say the sort of the same thing. I think the all the "therapy" adds fuel to the fire instead of helping. But I hesitated as my knowledge of this is rather superficial.

It was just a "feeling" I was getting hearing others tell me about their decade long therapy. There seems to be lots of navel gazing and "all about me", "woe is me" attitudes, which seem to be reinforced or encouraged in all this therapy.

I can also see what nlaruccia is talking about, that lots of times the friendships can be superficial so that you have noone else to talk to but your therapist.

People seem to be not so interested in the feelings of others. Just look at the fact there are so many affairs. This is a selfish a thing, really. It's all about your own feelings and not about what your spouse/girlfriend/family would think of you cheating.

 

[citygirl]

Good greif!! Maybe the problem is (all of) you!! Thank God I havent ever dated anyone who bitched as much as you all.. (local and expat)

Wow - over-react much? This thread is partly tongue-in-cheek, some humor and some general discussion about issues that people face. The only one who seems to have the panties in a bunch is you!

And the therapy point is interesting. I know that I have had several porteño friends immediately say when I was talking about being homesick or sad - "You should go see a therapist." For me - (as a North American p-o-v) therapy is a great tool when used to explore issues or help you through a difficult spot. But many people I know here have been going to therapy for years - just to talk about how they're feeling. But it never seems to be directed towards a goal - just talking.

But maybe that's a cultural difference again. I find North Americans tend to be much more goal-oriented whereas here - everything (business, relationships, friendships, etc) tend to me much more circuitous and in the moment.

 

[allcraz]

5) Argentine men are used to Argentine women... we ex pats seem angelic to them. Use this to your advantage. No need to pick up the local female custom of hysteria. Men seem to like a woman who knows what she wants, doesn't play hard to get, doesn't demand that the relationship be defined after 3 dates, isn't looking for a husband... any husband, can eat and enjoy themselves, lets her significant other have freedom, doesn't call and text him at work 10 times a day, is capable of enjoying sex, etc.


7) If you can, don't fall in love with a foreigner. It makes life so hard. I have to pay thousands of dollars to see my family a few days a year. I miss my friends. I lost my career. Its hard to regain those things in a foreign country. I'm gradually finding a place and friends. But its not easy. Avoid it if you can.
(Not to mention the many many annoyances of immigration... both in Argentina and the US)

Oh gosh...especially agree with 5 and 7. Regarding #7, we married in March and I knew it would be hard. I remember how scared (yes, scared!)we were when we realized that it had gotten serious. It's not a cake walk, but I'm happy here. There was obviously something NOT keeping me in the States because every chance I got I found a way to go abroad. No, I never thought about living permanently in a foreign country (much less with a husband) but here I am. I take it day by day and don't look at is as "Oh gosh I'm going to be here forever??"

Apart from that, I also agree with all the comments about meeting the guys you dream of outside the boliches although I don't think it's impossible...just a bit more time consuming perhaps. Mine was my student. And if I may say so, my students have been quite fruitful. I introduced another one to a Uruguayan friend and they now live and have a baby together!

 

[emilyr]

@nlaruccia...uhhhh...50 years ago!?! Try today. Maybe guys don’t go actively looking for a mistress as hard as 50 years ago, but talking to guy pals I get the sense that the idea is that if you have an opportunity to “get some” on the side in a one time thing, you are a beludo for not going for it. Have you seen that new commercial for VW where the three guys go out to pick up some ice cream, leaving their wives and kids at home and stumble on some hot ladies? If you haven’t here it is. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6vo7sauJky0

Whether or not Argie guys cheat more statistically speaking than in sex repressed US, the fact is true that in the US market this kind of marketing doesn’t fly outside the cheap beer market, certainly not for high end cars...because cheating in not as socially acceptable.

@citygirl. I have heard many guys say the same thing. They believe women are hinchapelotas, and if you settle down with them they will just nag, nag, nag, and be jealous. Your “patrona” will push you around and tell you what to do. I do see this pattern in couples, but it certainly is not a one way street, and I think is almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you don’t think being a couple is a team effort, then it won’t be.

That being said, I have met some younger guys who seem really socially progressive, feminist, much more than in the US. And I did end up with a great guy!

...though he is willing to cook and do dishes and never complains when he gets recruited, I do have to nag, errr ask, a lot.

 

[emilyr]

2) Don't date a rugby player
(I think this should apply worldwide but my first experience with an Argentine was a rugby player.)

This REALLY IS good advice. I learned this one the hard way in the States!

 

[nlaruccia]

Of course many married men today still have mistresses. The difference is that fifty years ago it was considered the norm and any man that could afford a mistress naturally would have one. He would set her up in an apartment and pay for everything. Of course, that still happens today and I know some women who are professional mistresses. I've dated young men in their twenties to men in their fifties, and though the younger ones might be willing to wash a couple plates and aren't as jealous as their older counterparts, they still cheat with other men and women. Ojo! Not all of them, but cheating is very much part of the culture. I had an interesting conversation this weekend with a dear Argentinean friend who puts up with all my questions grudgingly. We discussed why men here find fault in every woman they date. I know so many men that are hysterico and when they finally start to date someone they quickly find a flaw that makes it a deal breaker. Maybe she's too emotionally dependent on her parents, or she's too independent and likes to go out with her friends and won't make enough time for her boyfriend, she's too religious, she's strange because she has few friends, her arms are too flabby, she once received psychiatric treatment, she's not feminine enough, she talks too much, she's a little depressed, she still suffers from her mother's death which happened recently, etc. These are real excuses I've heard as reasons for deal breakers. According to my friend, people need to be esquisito (demanding as hell-not the literal translation). They shouldn't settle for anything less than perfect or they're a voludo. It doesn't matter if they themselves aren't perfect, they should still strive for the most perfect woman they can find rather than settle for any woman and be unhappy. I had to bite my tongue....hard.

 

[perry]

I had to laugh at the beludo from emilyr and now voludo from nlarrucia. The slang word is boludo and is more common word than che here so write that down.

 

[nlaruccia]

boludo, sometimes spelled voludo, pelotudo, gil, pollerudo, rompe pelotas, yegua, etc.

 

[alegria]

I've enjoyed reading this whole thread, and all the posts. I often don't know whether to laugh or groan -- especially as a psychotherapist from the states and a divorced woman who barely cooks or cleans for herself, let alone opting to do it for some guy. Anyway, I just arrived here a few weeks ago and here's my question: Let's say I want to go crazy, risk the drama, and actually meet a man (Arg or otherwise) who is likely to be educated, successful, and currently unmarried. And let's say that I also am aiming for someone in that 50yo age range some of you talked about as being a good bet for sanity and maturity. Where would I go in Buenos Aires? I have barely a clue. Any advice would be most appreciated -- and I promise to share stories if there are any good ones to share.