let,s cheer ourselves up

[hannstew]

The female dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.
"No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient says.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.
"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates me!"
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection," the patient says. "'I'm fine with pills."
The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra."
The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"
"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."

 

[tangobob]

Another 9yo joke

What is orange and sounds like a parrot?















A Carrot

 

[French jurist]

In the same series :

What's tiny, yellow and very dangerous ?




--> a chick with a machine gun

 

[hannstew]

-¡Mamá, mamá...no tenemos qué comer!
-!Agarrá al loro y freílo ya!
-¡No hay aceite!
-¡Hervilo!
-¡No hay agua!
-¡Hacelo al horno!
-¡No hay gas!
-¡Ponelo en el microondas!
-¡No hay luz!
El loro mira al cielo y dice:
- ¡¡Aguante Cristina!!

 

[dr__dawggy]

John O'Reily hoisted his beer and said, " Here's to spending the rest of my life between the legs of me wife. "

That won him top prize for toast of the night at the neighborhood pub.

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

 

[hannstew]

The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?"

Apparently "Only to stop myself from cumming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.

 

[CarverFan]

For those who want to learn disco, Scandinavian 1978 style (not a fake)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wMAaBlcNy74

Thanks FJ, tears were actually coming out of my eyes, I laughed so much!

 

[glasgowjohn]

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear, or you are about to repeat a rumor.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."
"Test of Three?"
"That's correct," Socrates continued.
"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

 

[French jurist]

A ver señoras como se identifican, independientemente de su estado civil. Creo que ser novia amante o esposa es un estado de ánimo mas que un estado civil.


Cómo diferenciar entre: "AHÍ", "AY" y "HAY"


NOVIA: ¡Ahí suave!..., ¡Ahí duele!..., ¡Ahí con cuidado!...

AMANTE: ¡Ayyyy… seguiii!..., ¡Ayyyy… qué buenooooo!, ¡Ayyyy… no paress!..., ¡Ayyyy... me enloqueces! ”

ESPOSA: ¡Hay que pintar!... ¡Hay que pagar los impuestos!... ¡Hay que ir al super!... ¡Hay que cortar el pasto!

 

[tangobob]

I see Steve Jobs has managed the impossible.




Something even Jamie Oliver could not do.




He put an apple in every fat kids bedroom.