Women Who've Made A Home Here For Love

[Dublin2BuenosAires]

Sort of the reverse also, in Ireland my wife never once asked me to come here. We both agreed we wanted to move on (weather, change of routine, weather) and I said that I felt if we made another significant move she should think about spending some years in the same place as her elderly father. We have openly discussed what happens if we can't settle long term, we have vague contingency plans and have agreed that if either one of us is seriously unhappy then we move.

Short version, a marriage only works if both parties are happy and have equal voice in the decision making process, going in with pre-conditions is a complication. Not even the Catholic Church look for that level of commitment from non-members these days! They ask that you are 'open to the idea' that your kids will be raised Catholic. For me, that's how you need to approach the residency question, you can be open to the idea of always living in the partria!...while the OH should be open to the idea of living somewhere else, all based on the circumstances you encounter at the moment when you have the discussion.

 

[IABhutto]

I moved here in 2002 and met my husband in 2006. While that "sealed the deal" that I would stay here, I already was living in Argentina and considered it my home. I have met a lot of expat women who are only here because of their husbands and kids, many seem to be unhappy. These are generalizations, but if you can´t develop yourself professionally and can´t fit into the culture, it will be frustrating.
I also have another story: an argentine friend of mine married a Spanish woman. He always wanted to move to Europe, and not only found true love but a way to move there. She didn´t like Argentina, but started living here full time. Fast forward four years: the situation in Spain is pretty bad, and now she feels lucky that she can live in Argentina (she is also a scientist and got a good job doing research here). The moral is that things can change. Maybe in five years moving back to the US won´t be appealing or Argentina could be a better choice economically.
No one can tell you what decision is best for you, there are too many factors (do you speak the language? can you work here? do you get along with his family? like the culture? Are you strong and love challenges?). The future is also hard to predict: maybe you get diagnosed with a horrible illness, and free/low cost healthcare in Argentina is a life saver. Maybe you get divorced and your husband says sure, take the kids to the US, but they don´t want to move because Argentina is their home (know of a woman who this happened to).
I agree with PhilipDT that you need to think about your future career. Do you consider your relationship/kids to be your life´s work? OR do you want to develop yourself professionally?

On another note: I´ve met a lot of expat women who fit into this pattern: move to Argentina to be with husband. Hate Argentina, can´t find work in their profession. Get pregnant to have kids to do something with their lives. Get more tied to a country they begin to HATE even more, so have more kids. . .

I love it here. If I got divorced, I would stay here and look for another Argentine man. This doesn´t mean that there are things that I don´t like or find frustrating, but this is my home. I would say it is hard to make your home a place that you don´t like.

Great!! Post of the Week...

 

[IABhutto]

sorry multiple post..

 

[irina]

1) My family has never given me a guilt trip about my decision. They support me emotionally and believe we have a good life here.
2) My husband has an amazing family that I am very close to - I don't know if I would be here if not for them. One way or another I always knew I would want family nearby, especially since I knew we planned on having children (and not for babysitting purposes).
3) We are financially comfortable in Argentina.
4) I have made it a point to become fluent and show interest in the culture and focus on the things I like about the country (VERY important when you talk about feeling like an "outsider" as you mentioned).

This is excellent advice and pretty much sums up why I'm comfortable here, all four bullet points.

Echoing everyone else's story, I met my now husband after being here for 4 months and now it's been 3 and a half years and we're newlyweds. It wasn't as easy a decision for me as maybe some other women on here, there was a point after we'd been together for a year where I was having the same questions as the original post says, the "it's either marry him or leave now" moment where I realized he's the one but at the same time my honeymoon phase with Argentina was ending. When we first met he was adamant with me about never leaving Argentina, he would always live here, etc, and I was 100% ok with that because I still had on my rose colored glasses, "who wouldn't want to live here forever!", but as our relationship progressed and he actually visited the US, met my family (him and my dad are so buddy buddy now), and met my friends, he changed his attitude and recognizes completely that it's unfair to ask me to sacrifice everything and him nothing. And to me, it's very unfair. But everyone's different. We plan on living here for the foreseeable future and moving ot the states later on when we have a passive income set up here (because for us that's how it will work). You just need to talk and talk and talk to your boyfriend, as much advice and experiences we share it will just come down to ya'lls dynamic...if it helps at all I had all the same doubts and feel so happy with my decision to stay here (but I couldn't have done it without knowing the option to move home is out there)

 

[legilber]

This is quite an interesting topic. I met my husband in Buenos Aires as well and definitely wasn't expecting to stay for very long. When we first started dating, I told him that if he never wanted to move to the US, that I couldn't be with him. My rational was that someone always needs to make the sacrifice and that it is only fair for both of us to take the chance to live in the other persons country.

Having said that, we moved back to the states about 6 months ago and have a little one who is a year old. Its funny how you imagine everything being so perfect back home, but the reality is that the US is just as expensive to live as Argentina. Actually, for many things we are paying much more than we did in BsAs (health insurance, cell phones, good MEAT!!). I am doing the exact same job that I did in Argentina, but now working remotely for a US company and earning much more, so it almost makes you bitter when you realize how terrible the salaries are down there.

However, it is incredible how much I miss Argentina... (Its fun to check this site every so often to see how things are going.) Yes, I feel much safer here and we're able to do more traveling, shopping, eating out, etc, but there is something quite incredible about Argentina despite all of the bad. My husband would like to stay here for a few more years so that we can get his US citizenship, but we just may end up back down there depending on how things are doing. Also, don't even get me started on trying to validate a University degree here.

I think that having children in Argentina is both good and bad. On one hand, I think they grow up more accepting of others, more interested in culture, traveling, etc. But the cost of private schools, clothes that don't fall apart after one wash, and just general day-to-day things are much more.

When you're in love and wanting to get married, have kids, etc, its never fun to think about the bad that could happen. BUT, before you have kids, I would highly recommend discussing what you would do if you separate/divorce. If the kids would stay in Argentina, move to the states? Would you be able to support yourself in Argentina? How about the quality of life? Would you be able to visit your family with them? What about if something happens to the both of you (heaven forbid) and you have to decide who they would live with; do they stay in Argentina or should they be with someone in the states? Would they be able to travel to visit family if you are both gone?

It is definitely a lot to think about and it shouldn't be taken lightly. Yes, everything now is roses but you should think about both the good and the bad. My husband and I have been very clear about these things and the open communication will only make things easier. Even if you're both from the same country, these are difficult choices and so make sure you find the one that you love and that you are always honest with your intentions, goals, etc.

All in all, I think Argentines are great men and I wouldn't change a thing about my life. And the way that we look at is it, we can always move back if we want to.

Cheers!

 

[allcraz]

I'm glad you made this post because it allows me to succinctly make a point that I've been wanting to make but have been too lazy to elaborate into post.

Would you be "financially comfortable in Argentina" if you and your husband were no longer together? Could you be?

Now I'm not saying that there is no money to be made in Argentina or anything of the sort; I'm saying if you were no longer with your significant other, could you be happy here with the money that you could reasonably expect to earn?

Also a very good point. In my case, yes. Wasn't going to elaborate, but we own 2 properties (thanks to him, but under both our names) and my current salary, just for example purposes, could support both of us if it were necessary.

 

[shoush]

one big positive difference i noticed in raising your children in Argentina (in a private school), is the how much more innocent they are here! my husbands daughter is in grade 7, and is VERY different then we were in grade 7 in Canada, we started smoking, and not only ciggs at that age, the next year we started drinking...we started WAY too early! (maybe my junior high was just weird!) but i see her, and i love how innocent she is, and that makes me feel less afraid to have children, and more optimistic that they won't be as rebellious as i was at that age!!!!!

 

[la_guachita]

I would highly recommend discussing what you would do if you separate/divorce.

Great idea, provided the separation is amicable. Previous discussions don't hold up in court though and there isn't any prenup/precustodial legal document that can guarantee you'll get travel permission for the kid from the other parent.

 

[jeff1234]

We all wish that everything works out for you.
Unfortunately life is often unfair.
So, whatever course you take, wherever you are living, whoever you marry, you should try to make sure that you have good options if things dont work out. For example, it would be nice if you each could share the separation from family and the other sacrifices that are required for you to be together, so that you are not totally dependent on him and his country.

 

[legilber]

Great idea, provided the separation is amicable. Previous discussions don't hold up in court though and there isn't any prenup/precustodial legal document that can guarantee you'll get travel permission for the kid from the other parent.

Yes, very, very true. In that case, you just have to put the kids first and put aside the egos/wants of the adults. But it would be easier to discuss this prior to making the decision to get married/have kids.

My brother-in-law had a fairly amicable split until 6 months ago when he started earning better money. Then suddenly the lawyers were involved and he's paying more when the kids are with him 5 days a week. I couldn't imagine how it would be if it were an international couple.

Lots to think about!